Weighed in last Thursday and there was no change in my weight. I think it is a fruit related problem. On the LBN I am supposed to only have two fruits a day. I have been slacking on sticking to the food plan tight and have been saying....mehhh. What will a hand full of grapes harm me....probably not much until I am grazing on them everytime I pass the fridge and downing fruit juice, and diet coke instead of water. I once heard grapes referred to as "natures candy." Ahhhh sugar you sweet siren you. Plus I have been craving protein like it is going out of style. Never craved steak so much in my life. Felt like a freaking caveman. So it really was no surprise that when I rocked up at the gym yesterday I felt like crap. I even got dizzy with some of the exercises that involved getting down and getting up again. I can be so stubborn and thick on occasion...but I suppose it is baby steps as long as they aren't all in a backwards direction.
But even as crummy as I was feeling yesterday something very interesting happened. I was jogging in Les Mills down the corridor that has a mirror. Looking slightly less like poos than normal (I had an appointment to shoot for TV guide at a TV station and I needed to look semi presentable...then I needed to go strait to the gym minus time to put my hair up and take my makeup off). So I was running down the corridor towards a mirror. All 124kgs of me, purple red hair flowing out behind me, sweating my makeup off and feeling dizzy and achy and I looked at myself in the mirror....Now to tell the whole story I often try to avoid full length mirrors...They often confuse me because I still have a mental picture of myself in my mid twenties before baby....But then I see a totally different woman in front of me. But this time I saw myself in my 39 year old sweaty glory and I was proud and I saw strength in the weakness and I saw beauty and power in there. It was quite a surreal experience (probably was a powerful cocktail of dehydration and low blood pressure mixed with the exercise endorphins) but for just a moment I saw all of the powerful women who had existed before me manifesting out of my eyes. It was a very happy space to be in. Still physically felt like crap but mentally there was a beautiful shift.
For me this journey is about freedom. The fat on my body has become a bit of a trap. It keeps me locked away from doing all of the adventures that I really feel like doing. Life is short and I might only have this one go at it. I am not that concerned about the vanity of it. I am loved and cherished by others at this size and I have a bit of a fatalist view that myself and the most beautiful and fit person on the planet are still going to both end up only dusty bones in a grave somewhere so what would the point be of working so hard if it will all be for not in the end? I am working for freedom to do what I want when the opportunity presents itself. I am not a sidelines girl. I have put myself in a position where my body is sidelining me. Not because of an accident or something out of my control but because I haven't invested the time to ensure it can function with as few limitations as possible.
Next month I turn 40. The last thing I wanted was to oooze into this. Instead I am giving it a valiant fight for myself and honouring that I have many many more adventures in front of me and I am so looking forward to them....but I need to earn the right to them. So today I will pay with my dear Mal at Results Room. Here we go.........
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