Weighed in last Thursday and there was no change in my weight. I think it is a fruit related problem. On the LBN I am supposed to only have two fruits a day. I have been slacking on sticking to the food plan tight and have been saying....mehhh. What will a hand full of grapes harm me....probably not much until I am grazing on them everytime I pass the fridge and downing fruit juice, and diet coke instead of water. I once heard grapes referred to as "natures candy." Ahhhh sugar you sweet siren you. Plus I have been craving protein like it is going out of style. Never craved steak so much in my life. Felt like a freaking caveman. So it really was no surprise that when I rocked up at the gym yesterday I felt like crap. I even got dizzy with some of the exercises that involved getting down and getting up again. I can be so stubborn and thick on occasion...but I suppose it is baby steps as long as they aren't all in a backwards direction.
But even as crummy as I was feeling yesterday something very interesting happened. I was jogging in Les Mills down the corridor that has a mirror. Looking slightly less like poos than normal (I had an appointment to shoot for TV guide at a TV station and I needed to look semi presentable...then I needed to go strait to the gym minus time to put my hair up and take my makeup off). So I was running down the corridor towards a mirror. All 124kgs of me, purple red hair flowing out behind me, sweating my makeup off and feeling dizzy and achy and I looked at myself in the mirror....Now to tell the whole story I often try to avoid full length mirrors...They often confuse me because I still have a mental picture of myself in my mid twenties before baby....But then I see a totally different woman in front of me. But this time I saw myself in my 39 year old sweaty glory and I was proud and I saw strength in the weakness and I saw beauty and power in there. It was quite a surreal experience (probably was a powerful cocktail of dehydration and low blood pressure mixed with the exercise endorphins) but for just a moment I saw all of the powerful women who had existed before me manifesting out of my eyes. It was a very happy space to be in. Still physically felt like crap but mentally there was a beautiful shift.
For me this journey is about freedom. The fat on my body has become a bit of a trap. It keeps me locked away from doing all of the adventures that I really feel like doing. Life is short and I might only have this one go at it. I am not that concerned about the vanity of it. I am loved and cherished by others at this size and I have a bit of a fatalist view that myself and the most beautiful and fit person on the planet are still going to both end up only dusty bones in a grave somewhere so what would the point be of working so hard if it will all be for not in the end? I am working for freedom to do what I want when the opportunity presents itself. I am not a sidelines girl. I have put myself in a position where my body is sidelining me. Not because of an accident or something out of my control but because I haven't invested the time to ensure it can function with as few limitations as possible.
Next month I turn 40. The last thing I wanted was to oooze into this. Instead I am giving it a valiant fight for myself and honouring that I have many many more adventures in front of me and I am so looking forward to them....but I need to earn the right to them. So today I will pay with my dear Mal at Results Room. Here we go.........
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
On Seeing Progress
So last week I weighed in at Results Room and had lost two kg's. My fat pants are no longer tight and just that little bit of movement pulled my motivation right back out of me. I haven't been cringing this week going to the gym.....screwing up my face when I am there.....thank you Chelsea for the Hovers from hell. But what is funny is I find that my mind is my biggest obstacle. These hovers they suck in the worst way for me and I am even on my knees doing them. So it is basically like a push up position but on your elbows and you have to use core strength and arms to support youself. Which is fine because I always try to keep my knees near my elbows until Chelsea sees me and she makes me scoot my arms forward and put my full weight on them.....and hold.....and hold.................................................................................and hold. My face usually looks like I am giving birth while I am doing this one....But what I figured out is the pain is often in my mind more than my arms. Because my last one was better than my first when I challenged myself to suck it up and just do it.
I am about to leave to go to my PT session at the Results Room with Mal. Gorgeous Mal who keeps up a light stream of conversation to keep your mind off of the pain. I often am surprised how quick my sessions with him go because of that sneaky little technique of his. I discovered that the more tired I am though the crappier my coordination. As he had me play a bowling game and each time I missed I had to do a series of exercises. The more I did them the crappier my aim.
What I have discovered about my own weight issues is that at this stage I need someone to be accountable to. Because if I leave it to my self I will talk myself out of exercise pretty efficiently. But if I know someone is waiting for me....Well I need to go or I know I am letting someone down.
One time a week sessions were not cutting it. It has to be 3-4 to make a difference with me. Because when I had just the one. I didn't have the internal hutspa to do the rest on my own and I would get a bit lost not remembering what to do next. Simple and spelled out for me works a treat.
So here is to another kg hopefully this week. We shall see.
Cheers,
Mandi
I am about to leave to go to my PT session at the Results Room with Mal. Gorgeous Mal who keeps up a light stream of conversation to keep your mind off of the pain. I often am surprised how quick my sessions with him go because of that sneaky little technique of his. I discovered that the more tired I am though the crappier my coordination. As he had me play a bowling game and each time I missed I had to do a series of exercises. The more I did them the crappier my aim.
What I have discovered about my own weight issues is that at this stage I need someone to be accountable to. Because if I leave it to my self I will talk myself out of exercise pretty efficiently. But if I know someone is waiting for me....Well I need to go or I know I am letting someone down.
One time a week sessions were not cutting it. It has to be 3-4 to make a difference with me. Because when I had just the one. I didn't have the internal hutspa to do the rest on my own and I would get a bit lost not remembering what to do next. Simple and spelled out for me works a treat.
So here is to another kg hopefully this week. We shall see.
Cheers,
Mandi
Thursday, October 11, 2012
On being and unmotivated Softie
So until I took this challenge on. I respected myself as a bit of hard ass. That I could tackle any challenge in front of me and handle it with aplomb.... mostly. What I have realized is that I have hand selected challenges to work with what I enjoy doing so the grunty hard stuff never really factored. Sure I could pull ridiculously long hours.....in front of a computer screen. Not exactly challenging for anything other than my mind....and possibly sore back.
But going to the gym....no thank you.
I am doing it now and getting my ass handed to me on a platter. I go irritably. I watch the clock through the whole thing. I am not in a happy space and I am not filled with boundless energy afterward.
In fact on Monday I felt like someone had pulled my plug and I was running on a soon to expire battery. Wednesday was better though. On Wednesday I was a bit more charged and I realized that my fat pants were no longer tight.
I am paying the piper and that is all there is to it. I have spent 40 years doing what ever the heck I wanted with my body (which was very little....all of the focus went to my mind). And now I am paying for it....big time. Every little snack I had just because I felt like it is now literally being paid for with a pound of flesh. It goes on so much easier than it comes off.
I am just praying that by the time this 6 weeks is up that my attitude will change and I will be more excited to go to the gym....because when I am left to my own devices the excuse voice kicks in loud and clear. She is gifted at coming up with a million reasons why I shouldn't go to the gym. I listened to her this Sunday and I have been feeling shit about it all week. I went to the gym on monday knowing I was going to have to own up to the Tiramisu I ate with Craig on the weekend and the lack of Sunday exercise. I was exhausted. But I think it was mostly because I was feeling slightly ashamed from not doing what I committed to doing. Oh these mind games I play. Nike had it right.....Just do it.
Drop 45 Kgs....Just do it.
Get Fit to hike in Nepal.....Just do it.
One step at a time at 8/10 effort......Just do it.
But going to the gym....no thank you.
I am doing it now and getting my ass handed to me on a platter. I go irritably. I watch the clock through the whole thing. I am not in a happy space and I am not filled with boundless energy afterward.
In fact on Monday I felt like someone had pulled my plug and I was running on a soon to expire battery. Wednesday was better though. On Wednesday I was a bit more charged and I realized that my fat pants were no longer tight.
I am paying the piper and that is all there is to it. I have spent 40 years doing what ever the heck I wanted with my body (which was very little....all of the focus went to my mind). And now I am paying for it....big time. Every little snack I had just because I felt like it is now literally being paid for with a pound of flesh. It goes on so much easier than it comes off.
I am just praying that by the time this 6 weeks is up that my attitude will change and I will be more excited to go to the gym....because when I am left to my own devices the excuse voice kicks in loud and clear. She is gifted at coming up with a million reasons why I shouldn't go to the gym. I listened to her this Sunday and I have been feeling shit about it all week. I went to the gym on monday knowing I was going to have to own up to the Tiramisu I ate with Craig on the weekend and the lack of Sunday exercise. I was exhausted. But I think it was mostly because I was feeling slightly ashamed from not doing what I committed to doing. Oh these mind games I play. Nike had it right.....Just do it.
Drop 45 Kgs....Just do it.
Get Fit to hike in Nepal.....Just do it.
One step at a time at 8/10 effort......Just do it.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Besties
When I was growing up I had a best friend named Melissa. We were thick as freeking thieves from about 4th grade until we started Uni. In uni and over time and distance we grew apart but through the miracles of Facebook Mel and I are back in each others lives albeit virtually. I just have finished wiping my eyes from a big bawl fest from this beautiful email she wrote me after reading this blog:
I remember a goddess in high school. She was tall and muscular and could spike a volleyball like nobody’s business. I remember when she tried on this kick-ass white bikini in the dressing room for the first time. I was in said dressing room. She put on the sports-bra-like top and hip hugging bottoms and looked in the mirror. After seeing herself, she looked at me. I will never forget that look. She realized how beautiful she was and this silly bathing suit finally brought that out. Her eyes were wide, her mouth was slightly ajar, and all I could do was smile. The inner goddess made her appearance that day.
We went to Jacksonville and realized that the beautiful white bikini was as transparent as saran wrap in the water, but its magic did not leave. In fact, it may have been the inspiration for topless sunbathing on an inflatable alligator.
When I think of you, I see you in your white bikini. You are forever that gorgeous goddess in my mind.
Love, Melissa
Crap I am crying again.
I remember a goddess in high school. She was tall and muscular and could spike a volleyball like nobody’s business. I remember when she tried on this kick-ass white bikini in the dressing room for the first time. I was in said dressing room. She put on the sports-bra-like top and hip hugging bottoms and looked in the mirror. After seeing herself, she looked at me. I will never forget that look. She realized how beautiful she was and this silly bathing suit finally brought that out. Her eyes were wide, her mouth was slightly ajar, and all I could do was smile. The inner goddess made her appearance that day.
We went to Jacksonville and realized that the beautiful white bikini was as transparent as saran wrap in the water, but its magic did not leave. In fact, it may have been the inspiration for topless sunbathing on an inflatable alligator.
When I think of you, I see you in your white bikini. You are forever that gorgeous goddess in my mind.
Love, Melissa
Crap I am crying again.
Chelsea the Ass Kicker
So I have been having a lovely time getting warmed up to the whole gym thingy and have had the wonderful Mal dealing with me and my injuries (Ulnar neuritis and the whole cracked rib/iceskating debacle). Then I joined Les Mills Look Better Naked Course and got my ass handed to me on a platter (not a plate...you see mine requires a quite sizable platter).
Anyway here is the deal. I have to exercise 5x a week. In a group with 9 other women and one chirpy, cheery ass kicking fool. You want to hate her...But then you look in her sweet smiling face and you have to eat the words that are bubbling up in your brain as your muscles protest at actually having to function as they were created to do. Crikey....my drill instructors in Boot camp didn't run me this hard....Not that I can remember.
Craig looked at me the other day when I was organizing myself to go to the gym and said "You really love this don't you" "NO!" I said. "Jesus I hate the idea of going into that gym...but you see that stinking 40th is fast approaching and I want to literally jump that hurdle with grace instead of plowing into it like a drunken bull."
I imagine at some stage a love for this will kick in. I remember loving going on walks. But at the moment it hurts and is slightly humiliating as I am typically bringing up the back and having to do the "special" exercises until I build up to the big girl ones.
The thing I realized is that I have been living in really narrow boundaries of what I figured was okay. It was the easy road but the damn thing was getting so narrow and eventually would turn into something like a goat track on the side of a slippery hill and would be dangerous to traverse. So I am currently having to cut through the dense thicket instead and am getting wacked by branches along the way till I find a broader more expansive path to follow. One that gives me the freedom to explore and do any adventure that comes my way without realizing I am too obese to do it without endangering others or holding them back from them fully enjoying the adventure themselves.
So here is to bush wacking and wanting to smack your chirpy trainer but knowing that she is giving me a massive gift and well that would be rude.
Anyway here is the deal. I have to exercise 5x a week. In a group with 9 other women and one chirpy, cheery ass kicking fool. You want to hate her...But then you look in her sweet smiling face and you have to eat the words that are bubbling up in your brain as your muscles protest at actually having to function as they were created to do. Crikey....my drill instructors in Boot camp didn't run me this hard....Not that I can remember.
Craig looked at me the other day when I was organizing myself to go to the gym and said "You really love this don't you" "NO!" I said. "Jesus I hate the idea of going into that gym...but you see that stinking 40th is fast approaching and I want to literally jump that hurdle with grace instead of plowing into it like a drunken bull."
I imagine at some stage a love for this will kick in. I remember loving going on walks. But at the moment it hurts and is slightly humiliating as I am typically bringing up the back and having to do the "special" exercises until I build up to the big girl ones.
The thing I realized is that I have been living in really narrow boundaries of what I figured was okay. It was the easy road but the damn thing was getting so narrow and eventually would turn into something like a goat track on the side of a slippery hill and would be dangerous to traverse. So I am currently having to cut through the dense thicket instead and am getting wacked by branches along the way till I find a broader more expansive path to follow. One that gives me the freedom to explore and do any adventure that comes my way without realizing I am too obese to do it without endangering others or holding them back from them fully enjoying the adventure themselves.
So here is to bush wacking and wanting to smack your chirpy trainer but knowing that she is giving me a massive gift and well that would be rude.
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