The Goddess in the Gym Mirror and the Sugar Junkie

Weighed in last Thursday and there was no change in my weight.   I think it is a fruit related problem.  On the LBN I am supposed to only have two fruits a day. I have been slacking on sticking to the food plan tight and have been saying....mehhh.  What will a hand full of grapes harm me....probably not much until I am grazing on them everytime I pass the fridge and downing fruit juice, and diet coke instead of water.  I once heard grapes referred to as "natures candy."  Ahhhh sugar you sweet siren you.  Plus I have been craving protein like it is going out of style.  Never craved steak so much in my life. Felt like a freaking caveman. So it really was no surprise that when I rocked up at the gym yesterday I felt like crap.  I even got dizzy with some of the exercises that involved getting down and getting up again.   I can be so stubborn and thick on occasion...but I suppose it is baby steps as long as they aren't all in a backwards direction.

But even as crummy as I was feeling yesterday something very interesting happened.  I was jogging in Les Mills down the corridor that has a mirror.   Looking slightly less like poos than normal (I had an appointment to shoot for TV guide at a TV station and I needed to look semi presentable...then I needed to go strait to the gym minus time to put my hair up and take my makeup off).   So I was running down the corridor towards a mirror.  All 124kgs of me, purple red hair flowing out behind me, sweating my makeup off and feeling dizzy and achy and I looked at myself in the mirror....Now to tell the whole story I often try to avoid full length mirrors...They often confuse me because I still have a mental picture of myself in my mid twenties before baby....But then I see a totally different woman in front of me.  But this time I saw myself in my 39 year old sweaty glory and I was proud and I saw strength in the weakness and I saw beauty and power in there.  It was quite a surreal experience (probably was a powerful cocktail of dehydration and low blood pressure mixed with the exercise endorphins) but for just a moment I saw all of the powerful women who had existed before me manifesting out of my eyes.   It was a very happy space to be in.  Still physically felt like crap but mentally there was a beautiful shift.

For me this journey is about freedom.  The fat on my body has become a bit of a trap.  It keeps me locked away from doing all of the adventures that I really feel like doing.  Life is short and I might only have this one go at it.  I am not that concerned about the vanity of it.   I am loved and cherished by others at this size and I have a bit of a fatalist view that myself and the most beautiful and  fit person on the planet are still going to both end up only dusty bones in a grave somewhere so what would the point be of working so hard if it will all be for not in the end?  I am working for freedom to do what I want when the opportunity presents itself.  I am not a sidelines girl.  I have put myself in a position where my body is sidelining me.  Not because of an accident or something out of my control but because I haven't invested the time to ensure it can function with as few limitations as possible.

Next month I turn 40.  The last thing I wanted was to oooze into this.  Instead I am giving it a valiant fight for myself and honouring that I have many many more adventures in front of me and I am so looking forward to them....but I need to earn the right to them.   So today I will pay with my dear Mal at Results Room. Here we go.........

On being and unmotivated Softie

So until I took this challenge on.  I respected myself as a bit of hard ass.  That I could tackle any challenge in front of me and handle it with aplomb.... mostly. What I have realized is that I have hand selected challenges to work with what I enjoy doing so the grunty hard stuff never really factored.  Sure I could pull ridiculously long hours.....in front of a computer screen.  Not exactly challenging for anything other than my mind....and possibly sore back.

But going to the gym....no thank you.

I am doing it now and getting my ass handed to me on a platter.  I go irritably.  I watch the clock through the whole thing.  I am not in a happy space and I am not filled with boundless energy afterward.

In fact on Monday I felt like someone had pulled my plug and I was running on a soon to expire battery.  Wednesday was better though.  On Wednesday I was a bit more charged and I realized that my fat pants were no longer tight.

I am paying the piper and that is all there is to it.   I have spent 40 years doing what ever the heck I wanted with my body (which was very little....all of the focus went to my mind).  And now I am paying for it....big time.   Every little snack I had just because I felt like it is now literally being paid for with a pound of flesh.   It goes on so much easier than it comes off.

I am just praying that by the time this 6 weeks is up that my attitude will change and I will be more excited to go to the gym....because when I am left to my own devices the excuse voice kicks in loud and clear.  She is gifted at coming up with a million reasons why I shouldn't go to the gym.   I listened to her this Sunday and I have been feeling shit about it all week.  I went to the gym on monday knowing I was going to have to own up to the Tiramisu I ate with Craig on the weekend and the lack of Sunday exercise.  I was exhausted.  But I think it was mostly because I was feeling slightly ashamed from not doing what I committed to doing.  Oh these mind games I play.   Nike had it right.....Just do it.

Drop 45 Kgs....Just do it.
Get Fit to hike in Nepal.....Just do it.
One step at a time at 8/10 effort......Just do it.