The slow spirally decent from the Wagon...and getting back on the horse

So after 6 long weeks I lost 8% of my body weight and lost all kinds of cm off of my boobage and waist and thighs etc.

Then I turned 40 and decided to move back in with my partner Craig....Honeymoon stage ensued and exercise routine went right out the window.   Far more interesting things to do in the mornings and evenings than hovers....

But I think last night was the last straw on my brief sojourn off the wagon.  Went to a party at the owner of Schoc Chocolates house and man can that boy cook.  The ride home over the Rimutakas really needed to be done horizontal for my belly looked like I was about 7 months pregnant.  I think I am going to give birth to a chocolate baby today of some form.

So it is almost one month of bugger all work outs and eating like I don't give a crap.   At some stage last week I was thinking about it and I started giggling in the car.  Craig asked me what was so funny and I said that I think I am just "fat and happy".  It really isn't a bad place to be.   I am in a good space but I know that my body will be happier with more strength.  Craig is happy with me just the way I am (a point my brain is still coming to terms with as I was raised by the media to believe that no one could ever be attracted to or love to cuddle a bum as expansive as my own...).  But here I have found a man that loves me completely flaws and all.  Giggly thighs and wiggly bum and boobs that when I lay down seem to take great delight in going on adventures down my sides.  But this man sees the sexy. He supports my dreams and wants nothing but the best for me.  How freeking amazing is that?

I'll tell you a bit about Craig.  This man when he was 17 was a vibrant athlete and had pushed himself so hard that he got pneumonia....It turned into a rare form of autoimmune disease that started eating at his musculature.   He was paralysed for a year and a half and confined to a wheelchair.  His mind was still sharp as a tack but in the beginning he could only move his eyes nothing else then every thing slowly started to return to one degree or another. It took him a year and a half to return to being able to walk again using a stick and his legs and hands are still quite wasted.  So he is limited in being able to go hiking or biking like he used to.  However this man who fought so hard to get out of a wheelchair went out and got one again so that he could join me on runs.  Now that....That is love if I have ever heard it.

 I imagine I still have half of my life left to live and this part....this part is going to be the humdinger.  I want to have the physicality to get in and do the bits that I want to do.  So it is back to  jogging and stuffs.
An hour out of my day to work this beautiful body I have been gifted.  I just wonder why when I feel so good after I have been for a run why I find it so damn hard to get my ass off the couch to do it?

Barefoot Guides, Wild Rides, and Turning 40

So this weekend I was invited down to the South Island to photograph Jenny and Roland Mapp's High Country Station.  http://www.spraypoint.co.nz/

It was the closest thing to my Nepal trek I could think of.....now if you have read my blog you will know that at the beginning of my weight loss adventure I had decided that I wanted to do it because I didn't want to flatten a Sherpa by having to have them carry me up a mountain side.   Now that didn't quite happen this weekend however.....Here is the result:

A shoeless Roland...being the High Country gentleman that he is when he saw me stranded struggling to scramble up a ravine that needed scrambling the man literally gave me his shoes (helps that I have quite big feet and they fit near perfectly).  He just casually walked up it barefooted.  Now I did bring shoes....stupid city shoes.  No not heels.... just tevas that I use all the time to run and shoot in but apparently they are incredibly stupid shoes for hiking in the mountains.  Now I know. 

What I didn't know is that there is nothing in a gym routine that can prepare you for clinging on to the back of a motor bike that doesn't have foot rests.  Twenty minutes pretty much straight up with my thighs gripping on for dear life and my muscles all contracted trying to keep my feet from dragging or wacking in to the large boulders we kept dodging.   Then twenty minutes down hill now incorporating my back muscles.....I could barely stand straight after I got off the bike except for the adrenalin that had me bouncing around. 

What I learned is that I still get puffed doing uphill stuff.  I don't want to get puffed doing up hill stuff.  So more hikes it is. 

I have decided since the work with the Trainers has stopped I will start doing core work as suggested by my dear friend Melissa twice a week and that I will challenge myself to hike up some of the bigger hills around here in the mornings.  So my plan is to work out M-F and then blob a bit on the weekends. 

Last week was my last week doing the Look Better Naked and the end result was

Weight = 123.2kg’s – 2.8kg’s lost

Body Fat = 42.2% - 9% lost  (my goal was 47% as I started at 51.1%)

Skin Sum = 347.5cm – 14cm lost (this was my goal...randomly set but achieved non the less)

Push Ups = 15 (I couldn't even do one when we started)

Sit Ups = 52 (31 6 weeks prior)

Step Test = 106 pulse  (was 132 before LBN)

On Turning 40

Last night I retouched my sparkly diamond roots a lovely shade of magenta as I was tired of wearing hats to cover the grey.   I turn 40 years old in two days.  I still feel mentally about 26...some days 17 depending on how responsible I am feeling.  I am not really sure what turning 40 means....the only thing I didn't want  to do was hit it in a slow ooze.  

What I am grateful for in my 40 years on this planet:

1. My son - that this body that I chastise for being bigger than the current fashion was able to create and deliver life, just makes all of its wobbly bits just that much more special. 
2. My partner - I have a man in my life who I truly do not deserve.  I give him a serious run for his money, and keep him forever on his toes....but he loves me despite of it and for it.  He is my rock, my home port, the place that I can find shelter from the storms of life and comfort in his love.  Not sure how I got this lucky.
3. My work - Everyday I get to do what I love.  Yes it is scary running my own business and there are days when I think I am slightly nuts to do it but then....then I realize how happy I am creating. 
4. My family - I have nut jobs for parents in the best way....a sister who keeps me on my toes, beautiful step children...a niece that makes me grin from ear to ear every time I see her picture or get to cuddle her sweetness. There is spice and dramas but mostly there is a lot of love. 
5. My Health - I never smoked, rarely drink, but I have eaten the hell out of life and moved quite slowly unless being chased.   my body has put up with the oral abuse I have given it and kept me in reasonably good condition.   Thank god for that. 
6. My sense of humour - I typically can entertain myself. I crack myself up at the often stupid things I do and I am glad for my own company most of the time. 

The End of the Trainers and my vulnerable little shoot

So I had a special with my Trainers that now is ending.  I planned on having a six week push to get me off my ass and into exercising.  What I have discovered is that there are two sides to my brain.  There is one part that wants junk food and to spend time doing shit that I enjoy and that doesn't involve heavy breathing and discomfort.  Then there is the enlightened side that wants the best of health and wellness.  This part is the weaker part for the better part of 40 years.  She is so under cultivated that she is like a fragile new shoot at risk of being trampled growing right next to this hulking gnarled behemoth tree of bad habits and "fark it I am going to die anyway sort of thinking"

So my trainers will be going and I am left with that little shoot and my hulking gnarled tree.   it is almost like the trainers have been this protective cage around my little shoot and now the cage is being taken away and I am left to take care of it myself.   Did I mention that I have vegetable garden ADD?  Right so what will be the new plan.  How do I keep the momentum going and the little sprout of wellness growing.....I know....just farking do it.   There is a thought.

Make a plan and just do it.  Go Nike, you wise marketing gurus you.

The next goal post I have is a Santa Run....Whole bunch of slightly nutters will get dressed up in Santa suits and run around the Harbour....slightly strange fun.....count me in.  Here is my plan for training.  I am going to do something that makes me sweaty Monday - Friday....then I am going to sit on my bum Saturday and Sunday unless I feel like doing something.

Now speaking of doing something fun on the weekends.....Lookie where I am going this weekend

http://www.spraypoint.co.nz/

Here is what I posted about it on Facebook:
About 5 years ago a beautiful woman named LeeAnne Duncan asked to write a story about my blueberry farming family for New Zealand Life and Leisure....when the photographer Tessa Chrisp came to shoot the story I watched her like a hawk and w

hen it was all done I knew that what she was doing is what I wanted to be doing for a living too....I kept telling the editor that I would one day shoot for her...she inwardly laughed at first (quietly, and patiently told me that they only hire the best photographers in New Zealand that a blueberry farmer as keen as she may be will not quite cut the mustard) I just smiled and asked her what she would recommend I do and she steered me towards NZIPP. Four years later I called the art director back and said "Right...I have achieved Master of Photography twice over through NZIPP and they have me as National Photography Judge....wanna give me a crack now?) So this weekend LeeAnne and I are off to the south island and she will be writing and I will be shooting. How freaking cool is that.

Now here is what I figure.  If I could set my mind to achieving this then why can I not use the same powers of focus to reshape my body?  And bring me to a healthier state?  Many more adventures I would like to be doing....The guy Roland who owns this farm goes way out into the bush and works with endangered species the stuff he has seen is amazing and I want to be able to hike to the places he goes to do a more in depth shoot of it.   Need to train more for that so.......just do it.   

Not so pretty | Pushing 40kgs

The lovely Mal 

I have 40 Kgs to go in my weight loss.  Today when I was doing my exercises at Results room with Mal I realized that he was building up to having me push and pull about 40kgs and then it sunk in that it was the amount of extra weight I am currently carrying on my body....Huge wake up call let me tell ya. 

Zombie Fodder and Drink bottle Trophies

Let just say if it were a real zombie apocalypse Sam and I would be toast.  Me because I am slow and I am more worried about my kid than myself and Sam because the teenager would just think it is far more fun to tease the buggers than anything.   The 5k element started with a big up hill section.  I kept thinking that zombies would jump out at any moment but they were all focused in certain areas because the island is a protected nature reserve and they couldn' t go off trail for fear of stepping on a tuatara or a giant weta.

Our job on the run was to grab two different coloured vials of vaccine and get to the finish line.  We had three paper tags on our waist like ripper rugby that the zombies tried to pull off (these were our lifelines).  It was like playing  a video game but for real and was freaky as could be.  I laugh when I am scared or nervous as well as when I am having a blast.  So here is me with my pigtails merrily laughing my way through a zombie infested battlement with my son running around like a headless chicken. Yes we didn't have a chance.   But it was so much fun.

Sam at the beginning managed to  find a rope and a rock and made a bolo like thing and was swinging it around while we were on the climb to the top.  I was impressed with his thinking but had to do the mother thing and tell him to stop swinging it because he could hurt someone.  The last section we had to go into some building called the incinerator it was so packed with Zombies there was no way we were gonna get through, at least not without weapons.  As they were actors wacking them with the bolo seemed a little extreme....but I did think about it.  :) 

Somes Island is so beautiful.  I had forgotten how lovely it is as the last time I was here I think it was when Sam was about 5 years old.   The wind was blowing a gale and there was intermittent rain.  Which completely added to the effect. 

The Go Pro Arrived just the day before the shoot.  Sam made a video of it that could still use  more editing but try fast forwarding to minute three and you will get an idea of what it was like....True to form I was busy taking pictures when I wasn't being chased.

The funny thing was after the training that I have been doing the 5k felt like a walk in the park.  I was actually surprised when we reached the end. Granted it was stop and start and involved some walking instead of running but yep I wasn't as puffed as I feared I would be. 

On that note looky at my new drink bottle:

Yesterday at my Look Better Naked Session I was given this flash new drink bottle by my trainer Chelsea, as a prize for pushing myself the hardest in the group (well it was the beautiful Marion and I who won prizes).  I got it because I finally for the first time since I was in the Navy managed to do a big boy push up.  Whoo hoo.  My drill instructor would have laughed at it but hey I was off my knees and I was one proud woman. 

Will post pictures shortly of the lovely Mal who I am going to see today.  He is my Wellington based trainer at the Results Room.  He has such a lovely personality that you actually enjoy going to get your butt kicked....How does that work?

 Adventure Wellington  was the organization that put on the Zombie Run.  It is a meet up group that is an absolute blast to belong to.

The Goddess in the Gym Mirror and the Sugar Junkie

Weighed in last Thursday and there was no change in my weight.   I think it is a fruit related problem.  On the LBN I am supposed to only have two fruits a day. I have been slacking on sticking to the food plan tight and have been saying....mehhh.  What will a hand full of grapes harm me....probably not much until I am grazing on them everytime I pass the fridge and downing fruit juice, and diet coke instead of water.  I once heard grapes referred to as "natures candy."  Ahhhh sugar you sweet siren you.  Plus I have been craving protein like it is going out of style.  Never craved steak so much in my life. Felt like a freaking caveman. So it really was no surprise that when I rocked up at the gym yesterday I felt like crap.  I even got dizzy with some of the exercises that involved getting down and getting up again.   I can be so stubborn and thick on occasion...but I suppose it is baby steps as long as they aren't all in a backwards direction.

But even as crummy as I was feeling yesterday something very interesting happened.  I was jogging in Les Mills down the corridor that has a mirror.   Looking slightly less like poos than normal (I had an appointment to shoot for TV guide at a TV station and I needed to look semi presentable...then I needed to go strait to the gym minus time to put my hair up and take my makeup off).   So I was running down the corridor towards a mirror.  All 124kgs of me, purple red hair flowing out behind me, sweating my makeup off and feeling dizzy and achy and I looked at myself in the mirror....Now to tell the whole story I often try to avoid full length mirrors...They often confuse me because I still have a mental picture of myself in my mid twenties before baby....But then I see a totally different woman in front of me.  But this time I saw myself in my 39 year old sweaty glory and I was proud and I saw strength in the weakness and I saw beauty and power in there.  It was quite a surreal experience (probably was a powerful cocktail of dehydration and low blood pressure mixed with the exercise endorphins) but for just a moment I saw all of the powerful women who had existed before me manifesting out of my eyes.   It was a very happy space to be in.  Still physically felt like crap but mentally there was a beautiful shift.

For me this journey is about freedom.  The fat on my body has become a bit of a trap.  It keeps me locked away from doing all of the adventures that I really feel like doing.  Life is short and I might only have this one go at it.  I am not that concerned about the vanity of it.   I am loved and cherished by others at this size and I have a bit of a fatalist view that myself and the most beautiful and  fit person on the planet are still going to both end up only dusty bones in a grave somewhere so what would the point be of working so hard if it will all be for not in the end?  I am working for freedom to do what I want when the opportunity presents itself.  I am not a sidelines girl.  I have put myself in a position where my body is sidelining me.  Not because of an accident or something out of my control but because I haven't invested the time to ensure it can function with as few limitations as possible.

Next month I turn 40.  The last thing I wanted was to oooze into this.  Instead I am giving it a valiant fight for myself and honouring that I have many many more adventures in front of me and I am so looking forward to them....but I need to earn the right to them.   So today I will pay with my dear Mal at Results Room. Here we go.........

On Seeing Progress

So last week I weighed in at Results Room and had lost two kg's.  My fat pants are no longer tight and just that little bit of movement pulled my motivation right back out of me.   I haven't been cringing this week going to the gym.....screwing up my face when I am there.....thank you Chelsea for the Hovers from hell.   But what is funny is I find that my mind is my biggest obstacle.   These hovers they suck in the worst way for me and I am even on my knees doing them.  So it is basically like a push up position but on your elbows and you have to use core strength and arms to support youself.   Which is fine because I always try to keep my knees near my elbows until Chelsea sees me and she makes me scoot my arms forward and put my full weight on them.....and hold.....and hold.................................................................................and hold.   My face usually looks like I am giving birth while I am doing this one....But what I figured out is the pain is often in my mind more than my arms.  Because my last one was better than my first when I challenged myself to suck it up and just do it.

I am about to leave to go to my PT session at the Results Room with Mal.  Gorgeous Mal who keeps up a light stream of conversation to keep your mind off of the pain.  I often am surprised how quick my sessions with him go because of that sneaky little technique of his.   I discovered that the more tired I am though the crappier my coordination.  As he had me play a bowling game and each time I missed I had to do a series of exercises.  The more I did them the crappier my aim.

What I have discovered about my own weight issues is that at this stage I need someone to be accountable to. Because if I leave it to my self I will talk myself out of exercise pretty efficiently.  But if I know someone is waiting for me....Well I need to go or I know I am letting someone down.

One time a week sessions were not cutting it.  It has to be 3-4 to make a difference with me. Because when I had just the one.  I didn't have the internal hutspa to do the rest on my own and I would get a bit lost not remembering what to do next.   Simple and spelled out for me works a treat.

So here is to another kg hopefully this week.   We shall see.
Cheers,
Mandi

On being and unmotivated Softie

So until I took this challenge on.  I respected myself as a bit of hard ass.  That I could tackle any challenge in front of me and handle it with aplomb.... mostly. What I have realized is that I have hand selected challenges to work with what I enjoy doing so the grunty hard stuff never really factored.  Sure I could pull ridiculously long hours.....in front of a computer screen.  Not exactly challenging for anything other than my mind....and possibly sore back.

But going to the gym....no thank you.

I am doing it now and getting my ass handed to me on a platter.  I go irritably.  I watch the clock through the whole thing.  I am not in a happy space and I am not filled with boundless energy afterward.

In fact on Monday I felt like someone had pulled my plug and I was running on a soon to expire battery.  Wednesday was better though.  On Wednesday I was a bit more charged and I realized that my fat pants were no longer tight.

I am paying the piper and that is all there is to it.   I have spent 40 years doing what ever the heck I wanted with my body (which was very little....all of the focus went to my mind).  And now I am paying for it....big time.   Every little snack I had just because I felt like it is now literally being paid for with a pound of flesh.   It goes on so much easier than it comes off.

I am just praying that by the time this 6 weeks is up that my attitude will change and I will be more excited to go to the gym....because when I am left to my own devices the excuse voice kicks in loud and clear.  She is gifted at coming up with a million reasons why I shouldn't go to the gym.   I listened to her this Sunday and I have been feeling shit about it all week.  I went to the gym on monday knowing I was going to have to own up to the Tiramisu I ate with Craig on the weekend and the lack of Sunday exercise.  I was exhausted.  But I think it was mostly because I was feeling slightly ashamed from not doing what I committed to doing.  Oh these mind games I play.   Nike had it right.....Just do it.

Drop 45 Kgs....Just do it.
Get Fit to hike in Nepal.....Just do it.
One step at a time at 8/10 effort......Just do it.

Besties

When I was growing up I had a best friend named Melissa.  We were thick as freeking thieves from about 4th grade until we started Uni.  In uni and over time and distance we grew apart but through the miracles of Facebook Mel and I are back in each others lives albeit virtually.  I just have finished wiping my eyes from a big bawl fest from this beautiful email she wrote me after reading this blog:

I remember a goddess in high school. She was tall and muscular and could spike a volleyball like nobody’s business. I remember when she tried on this kick-ass white bikini in the dressing room for the first time. I was in said dressing room. She put on the sports-bra-like top and hip hugging bottoms and looked in the mirror. After seeing herself, she looked at me. I will never forget that look. She realized how beautiful she was and this silly bathing suit finally brought that out. Her eyes were wide, her mouth was slightly ajar, and all I could do was smile. The inner goddess made her appearance that day. 

We went to Jacksonville and realized that the beautiful white bikini was as transparent as saran wrap in the water, but its magic did not leave. In fact, it may have been the inspiration for topless sunbathing on an inflatable alligator. 

When I think of you, I see you in your white bikini. You are forever that gorgeous goddess in my mind.

Love, Melissa

Crap I am crying again.

Chelsea the Ass Kicker

So I have been having a lovely time getting warmed up to the whole gym thingy and have had the wonderful Mal dealing with me and my injuries (Ulnar neuritis and the whole cracked rib/iceskating debacle).  Then I joined Les Mills Look Better Naked Course and got my ass handed to me on a platter (not a plate...you see mine requires a quite sizable platter).

Anyway here is the deal.  I have to exercise 5x a week.  In a group with 9 other women and one chirpy, cheery ass kicking fool.  You want to hate her...But then you look in her sweet smiling face and you have to eat the words that are bubbling up in your brain as your muscles protest at actually having to function as they were created to do. Crikey....my drill instructors in Boot camp didn't run me this hard....Not that I can remember.

Craig looked at me the other day when I was organizing myself to go to the gym and said "You really love this don't you"  "NO!" I said.  "Jesus I hate the idea of going into that gym...but you see that stinking 40th is fast approaching and I want to literally jump that hurdle with grace instead of plowing into it like a drunken bull."

I imagine at some stage a love for this will kick in.  I remember loving going on walks.  But at the moment it hurts and is slightly humiliating as I am typically bringing up the back and having to do the "special" exercises until I build up to the big girl ones.

The thing I realized is that I have been living in really narrow boundaries of what I figured was okay.  It was the easy road but the damn thing was getting so narrow and eventually would turn into something like a goat track on the side of a slippery hill and would be dangerous to traverse.  So I am currently having to cut through the dense thicket instead and am getting wacked by branches along the way till I find a broader more expansive path to follow.   One that gives me the freedom to explore and do any adventure that comes my way without realizing I am too obese to do it without endangering others or holding them back from them fully enjoying the adventure themselves.

So here is to bush wacking and wanting to smack your chirpy trainer but knowing that she is giving me a massive gift and well that would be rude.

Drunken Ice skating and Iris Awards

10/10  I give drunken ice skating with friends I only get to see once a year a 10/10.  That is until the morning after when I discover the cracked rib.  I will never forget the conga line we created on the Ice skating rink with my fellow photogs led by Kaye Davis riding a bright orange seal meant for children...the children who had all been quickly cleared from the ice by their intelligent parents when our rowdy group entered the rink.   Now i haven't been ice skating in ages...or inebriated for that matter either but there is something about the combination that was irresistible.  And as difficult as it is to roll on to my right side now I wouldn't take those memories away for anything...the only problem was I don't believe there is a photographic representation of the entire debacle...a bit sad for a group of 20+ photographers.

So what I learned from the Iris Awards this year as it applies to my exercise routine.

1. Pushing a grown woman around an ice rink on a bright orange seal works your bum muscles like no gym equipment ever could.

2. Renting a house three k's from the venue is a really good idea as long as it doesn't rain

3. It is difficult to find healthy food in an airport that doesn't taste like ass.

4.  When I don't keep up my food diary I am significantly more likely to add crap.


The Next 10 out of 10 I scored was for my images.  I put 10 images in to the National Print Judging and for the first time ever for me they all took out awards:

Silvers:

Bronze Awards:

Recovery Plans:

So now after a week of not quite sticking to my plans I am back to focus that much harder.  I have also signed up for Look Better Naked at Les Mills Gym so I imagine I will have my butt solidly kicked here shortly. 

Mwwwwwaaaaahhhhh,

Mandi

A Fat Head

I am a firm believer that my fat head is my biggest obstacle to weight loss.  I have always thought of myself as a big girl, so not only will I need to reshape my body, but I will also need to reshape my head.

It is a funny thing because I am still surprised when I walk past a mirror and see my shape as it is now. I am not sure if it is because I still think of myself as smaller than I am or that I just see the lumps where I don't want them and I mentally photoshop them and am aware I am doing it.

So anyway i am going to put that creative brain to work and start with visualizations.  If it worked for my business it can work for my ass I recon.  I imagined I would be photographing women and showing them their inner beauty and that is exactly what I am doing for a living now.  So if I imagine myself fit and healthy and wearing the pretty frocks that they don't make in my current size then why the heck not.

What are my road blocks and how can I either push them to the side or annihilate the buggers.

I will start with staged visualizations mined from the net:

Here is stage one:

Beauty and the Chub

Big is Beautiful...and so is small

I've been Rubinesque (Chubby, pleasantly plump)  my whole life really with the exception of after boot camp...and just before I was commissioned I have carried extra weight on my body.  At the moment I am carrying about the equivalent of a small child on my ass.   Now this is just me...some days I feel like I need to take up extra space just to hold all the sparkles, wonderful ideas, and excitement I have inside....Some days it just feels like extra weight weighing me down.

My weight does have a small advantage though in my job.  Women don't mind getting their kit off as much when they realize that the woman they are about to show themselves off to is heavier than they are.  It is a subtle but comforting thing for most people because the biggest fear most women seem to harbour is the fear of being seen.....and then judged.  Most women in their heart of hearts really just want to be SEEN and then Appreciated for what they are...on the inside but hey lets be honest....on the outside as well.   Now in my job I get to see beauty every day.  I get to dress it up and enhance it and pull that inner sparkle out.   I don't care if you are the size of a house or would blow away in a stiff wind.  You are still beautiful to me.   And I will find that sparkle...I have a sparkle sensing device naturally installed in my head and it's sole function is to seek out peoples inner cheeky divinity and highlight it.

And so anyway I want to lose some weight. (Squirrel)   (Parentheses squirrels are simply an acknowledgement of the way my brain works and that to any logically bound person it will seem like I am jumping from one idea to another with no logical connection...maybe....or as I like to believe somewhere in the inner reaches of my creatively wired brain their will be a connection but it is to much of a mission to retrace the brilliant leaps of thought that brought it full circle to my new thought.... so we will just simply shout Squirrel and be done with it).....(Squirrel)   I want to go see my friend Nima's village in Nepal without causing some poor Sherpas to blow out their backs carrying me up a mountain on a stretcher.  I would like to bike in the south of France and cliff dive in Greece.   These are my plans and at the moment I would need to bring a tractor seat to switch for the bike seat if I wanted to do that ride.  So hence the need to loose a bit of weight....Oh and lets not forget about my poor Accountants chair.

But I don't want to be disloyal either.  I am worried that losing weight will then make some of my clients start to feel a bit more insecure in front of my camera.  So I have a plan.

At its core is the belief that every woman that comes to see me is beautiful.  No matter what their size shape, scars, creatively placed teeth, or beautiful nose that they just can't help but see as their own personal cross to bare.   So I am going to put myself out there and show you that I believe it in myself too.  Yes I have body hangups...every woman I know does.  But that doesn't mean I can't feel sexy as well.

So here is my plan:

I weigh in at the moment at the largest I have ever been in my life....yes 127kg  (280lbs).  I am happier than I have ever been in my life too.   I have created an authentic life that is true to me and the fact that my bum is big is just that...a fact.   I have spent too much of my energy on this earth bemoaning the fat content of my beautifully functioning body  ( Every bit is in working order at the moment).  I have done diets, I have taken pills, I have gone into eating  recovery programs.  And every time there was this cruel  judgmental part of my personality that would manifest and start berating me and vilifying my body for being so fat....poor body.   (I fired that bitchy part though and hired the goddess to be in charge instead)  So this time I have a different plan.  I am going to celebrate each stage of the loss of fat.  I am going to thank it for its time nourishing my body and then let it go...grieve a bit if I need to (I believe that fat is sometimes a physical manifestation of stored emotions and that when you start to lose fat, emotions that are tied to what ever you were shoving down in the form of mallowpuffs/double stuffed oreos tend to start getting loosened as well).

I am going to do a beautiful photoshoot at each stage of loss....ideally every 7kgs.    This way I have a record to show people of pretty at all sizes...at least for me at 127kgs.  If someone is heavier and wants to be showcased by all means get in touch.   My goal is to drop 100lbs/45kgs.  I will take as long as I need to do this and will just take it a step at a time.   I am working with a personal trainer named Mal at the Results room and they have me on a very sensible plan of eating....that allows me enough diversions so that I don't fall off the wagon and start trying to eat an entire wall of chocolate.   I have also signed up for a Zombie run ( 60 zombies will be stationed on Somes Island and 80 people are running a 5K marathon to avoid them and get to the vaccine).  I would imagine that a regular marathon would be boring as dust but being chased by zombies might actually get me off my ass to train.

So anyway this is the plan.  I will keep you updated on the progress each week on Thursday plus any other bits and bobs of wonderfulness I find along the week.   Mwwwaaahhhh....Mandi

What does it all Mean really?

Right...one of my partners favourite shows in the world is Ancient Aliens on the History Channel. I like it for the characters that are brought out as experts and the constant phrase "Ancient Astronaut theorists believe...."  To which I usually roll my eyes and shake my head.  But every once in a while something will be presented that defies logic and also makes you think a bit.  What has struck me the most watching this is the amazing things built that simply get destroyed in time.  When they existed they must have been AMAZING.  Because even the ruins of them defy explanation.

So then I started to think about 1000 years from now....what will be left of my stay on this earth?  What will matter...to be honest probably fark all.

So then what is the point.  Is this a depressing thought or an incredibly liberating thought. If I were to die tomorrow as all of my ancestors have before me.  What legacy will I leave? Some pretty pictures drowned in the sea of pretty pictures.   Some images that are special to beautiful people whom I have had the blessing of sharing my life with?

In the end I don't think much matters to me except the quality of the moment I am in, right?  How much light I bring to people in the moment I share with them.  What I can give...not what I take.   WHo is remembered for what they take?  Hitler?

Who is remembered for what they give?  Your favourite grandfather/grandmother.  Mother Theresa, Jesus, Buddha, Lao Tsu, Martin Luther King, Gandhi ?  So what am I giving today?  How can I become a vehicle for getting more love into the world it might not make a heck of a lot of difference in the long term but it beats self absorbed taking any day.

What if everyday I figured out how I could give a little gift to the world each day?  An anonymous little match light of love that over the course of my life would add up to quite a blazing warm fire of peace that was created simply because the universe saw a purpose in having me be brought to the earth.  What if everyone did that?  Found a way each day to step solidly out of what they needed, wanted, their own little self absorbed bubble that we tend to live in and did something small but loving in the world. What would that world look like?

The Magic Spinning Wheel of Love

So I am going to my first Wedding Show this Weekend and in my typical style I have gone BIG.  I wanted to do something incredibly fun that would catch peoples attention so I had made this crazy lotto wheel and will have prizes attached to it for people to win.  Have no idea if it will be a success but I am calling it my Lotto wheel of Love.  Should be good fun none the less.  One of my gorgeous burlesque vintage cupcake divas.... Stella is going to work the wheel and the crowd for me while I talk to people about how we turn Love in to Art.  So today I am grateful that it is made in time...painted....and that I have a means of getting it to the show....have paid for the show....but most of all that I will get to meet heaps of lovely people and make their day by giving them a wee pressie.  Yeah!  Now bring on the good vibes and lovely souls.

Smudging my studio

SO today I did something I have never before done before and it felt sooooo good.  I had read about smudging...burning white sage to get rid of negative energy and bring on the positive.  I think it is a bit deeper than this, Native American's as I understand it use it for removing harmful spirits...really I think it is all in the same.

Well I needed some negative energy removed that is for sure.  I don't know about you but sometimes I find I have a tendancy to wallow like a big old sow in the mud of my fears.  I make a right drama out of it and if there isn't a drama to be had well I will make one to suit my mood....this is not my higher self at work that is for sure.

Well this sow...bitch...grumpy smurf what ever you want to call her had a right field day in my head of late.  I have had enough...so I evicted her.  Told her I know she used to live here but my Goddess is in charge now and well she can live in the broom closet if she likes but that is it.   Every once in a while she can come out and clean up some unresolved stuff but for now her services were no longer required and I was done with the pity party.  I have a dream to live and no more sucking the life from it.

So I burned the sage.   I am looking around my beautiful smoky studio and feeling right proud of myself. I wrote down on little pieces of paper my fears that had been bouncing around in my head like some one had let loose a bucket full of bouncy balls.  and I burned the farkers. "I'm too cubby to photograph fashion"----seriously who the bleep cares...I photograph real women anyway it probably puts some at ease that my bum is lumpier than theirs.  "I am too disorganized to run a business."---THen I thought back to how I was before I challenged myself with this business to where I am now...can hardly recognize myself.  Yes I still make mistakes but I am learning and improving systems everyday.  "It is too hard!"  Dear god woman you work in a beautiful studio with beautiful people, your work is darn good stop focusing on the piddly shit...you aren't having to forage your food in a rubbish tip...you are working in a business that you love...come on...wake up!!!!

So I did.   I stopped grizzling for today.  I wrote down all of the dreams I have for the studio again. And sent them up with the Sage.  I imagine that they along with the smoke were filling my studio with love.  That is really the cruxt of it.  I chose love over fear.  It is something I constantly have to remind myself  to do.  That and stay present in the moment.  So for today. I am here.  I am waiting on a beautiful soul to show up for her photoshoot and I am sending love out to all of you creatives who have bouncy ball days and sending you the love and desire to let those farkers go.....CHOOSE LOVE TOO!   Imagine how amazingly wonderful the world would be if we could all chose to live in love instead of fear.....mmmmmm yummy thoughts.

Here is the rubbish bin of burned fears...I highly recommend it..makes you feel so much better.

Hee hee hee two teen age boys just walked past the studio and one looked at the other with wide eyes and said..."dude.... do you smell that?"  I about peed myself laughing. 

No pressure

Good morning gorgeousness. Yesterday was a brilliant day for me. I changed up my ordering session style on a hunch. I let my muses watch the video of their images by themselves and then taught them how to drive the selection tools and sat at my desk working on post production of other clients and made myself available. It killed two birds with one stone. I got more work done and the muses got to see the images and select their favorites with no pressure of some one staring at them while they did it. At the end I would come over and help them cull images if they needed to get the number down. Each client yesterday that I did this for took my largest package. I was such a happy camper to be in a space where my images were loved so much that they needed professional help to cull the number down to twenty. It was a good day.

What was a moment of beauty in your day yesterday?

The Strangest Person in the World

2 Jan Plan

Spent the morning working on my Visioning Mind Map.  I find that this really helps me to get my head around my goals and know what I am shooting for.  Daily reviewing of it just waters the seeds that I have planted.  My mind map has my financial and personal goals in it.   I have big plans for this year and huge faith in myself to pull them off.

But for today:
Food =
Musli with yogurt and two fruits
Lunch:
Chili bean salad
2 fruits
2 pieces of toast

Juice with metamucil

Dinner:
Roast chicken and Mashed potatotes
Salad
2 fruit

3 pump bottles of water
a half an hour walk


Added to my mind map today:

this is the lens that I want to get ASAP as soon as the budget has saved for it.

 I need about 35 of these to get it.  But that is after I have covered all of the overheads, salaries, and the 10% investment savings that I have promised myself I will do (Richest Man in Babylon)

My completely impractical dream car which I will always love.  I will change cars to something very similar to this by 2013.

The Plan

Keep it simple sweetheart...yeah right this is me we are talking about:

But for now on the first of January this what I plan to do:

This year is about kindness to myself, accountability, and learning selflessness

Account for:
Food going in (plan my food each day)
Money going out (budget/cashflow...daily documentation of any outgoings)
Save 10% of everything I earn
Meditate every morning and evening (read my goals, make them pretty, believe)
A long walk at least three times a week.

As for my day I will do my best to follow the 4 agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
Be impeccable with my word
Don't take anything Personally
Don't make assumptions
Always do my best

That is it.  Not expecting miracles just steady improvement from where I am done in a loving gently way.  Nice.

My New Years Gift to Myself: A year of Kindness

A Year of Kindness and Accountability:

Yes I have, like most all people from European descent and probably others as well, have often began my year with a New Years Resolution.

The only problem with mine is that  they were somewhat punishing.  You know, "I have been such a lazy b****r this last year and ate too much so I must punish myself and forbid myself from having anything nice and I must force myself to live in the gym..." Often the dieting sort of books I would read were just as cruel...describing things as "ugly" fat.

SO those resolutions would last until about the middle of January at best.  Because ultimately they were soul destroying as well as fat destroying.  They were based around hate of the consequences of my action that were sitting for the world to see in the shape of my lumpy butt.  SO they translated into being a constant barrage of cruel thoughts.   I don't like cruel people so why would I want to invite one into my head and welcome the *itch with open arms?

Well here is what I know.  I have been neglectful of my body.  I tend to spend far too much time in my head...on the internet...behind a camera...doing photoshop...blobbed with a good book....blobbed watching my favourite shows on TV.

I just read a book called the Richest Man in Babylon.  It was written in 1921-1926ish in the form of pamphlets extolling the virtue of clearing your debts, and socking away 10% of everything that you earn so that you have an income for your future.   It was a philosophy apparently found in tablets of Babylonia which was at the time the richest city in the world.  It was a fascinating read for me and got me thinking.  First of all about how I handle my finances (think Kerrie from Sex in the City....but more for props for my studio than for myself at the moment), and second that I owe a debt to myself as well.

Each extra portion of Mallowpuffs, rice crispy treats, Ben and Jerry's/Big Bicky, Nutella...it was as if I were taking out loans that I had really no intention of paying off.   When I read the section in this book about this guy who lost everything because of his debts,  and how he went about learning to raise his head high and came back with a plan...a good one to pay them off and bring himself back into the respect of his community.  He paid off his debts and came out ahead of the game...If he can do it so can I...end of story.

Now really I don't give two tosses of someone doesn't want to get to know me because my bottom is so ample that it has a shelf on it that can easily support a small child.  That is not the sort of person that I imagine would enrich my life anyway.  But what I came to realize is that I have a huge debt owing to myself of all people and it is a debt that I will not forgive until it is repaid.  That repayment will take approximately 25 years to pay off because that is approximately how long I have been neglecting myself.  So this means no punishing diet that will fail about midJanuary.  But instead something more soul enhancing.  I will seek out food that has the most nutritional value possible to feed myself with.   Personally I have an issue with sugar...I treat it a bit like crack...a little is never really enough for me...I always crave more.  So I am going to gently kiss it goodbye. I am going to move my body more as well.  I always feel so much better when I take a walk.  So why do I avoid the buggers so much?  Odd that.   Yoga seems like a good idea too.  So I will try that as well.

This is a year of self love and gentleness.  It is a year to repay debts to myself and anyone else I realize I owe a debt to.   It is also a year to finally become financially prudent and wise.


This year according current urban myth could be the end of our time on this earth as we know it.   So here is what I say...ROCK ON.  Instead lets choose to create a world where we are loving to ourselves, have cleaned up our messes, and are working towards a rich abundant future.

Debtfree, healthy, and loving to ourselves and those we come in contact with....who is with me?